A Tale of Dick and Jane and the Shiny Yellow Thing Long is the way, and hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light Part 1 - SummonsSee Dick. See Dick stress. See Dick stress over being summoned to the local temple on the night before his long-awaited coronation, which in conjunction with liberal doses of strong coffee and his somewhat strained relationship with Jane, was proving a most unduly stressful situation indeed. See Dick. See Dick doing the pee-pee dance as he waits for admittance in the temple lobby. See Dick make a sudden dash for one of the rather conveniently located and poorly lit alcoves adjoining the room. See Spot following hard on Dick’s heels. “What a fool I am!” Cries Dick. “Arp!” Agrees spot. See Dick. See Dick become moderately less stressed about the current state of things. See that stress level quickly jump again as the great doors to the inner sanctum suddenly swing open with a stone-cracking boom. See the High Priest make a mental note to have some little rubber stoppers installed to protect the scandalously expensive temple masonry. Dramatic flair is all well and good, but not when it cuts too much into the budget. “Let He who would aspire to be King enter and be judged.” He who aspires to be king pauses for a moment. After a moment he continues to pause. Finally, deeming the pausing sufficient, he boldly, yet hesitantly strides forth into the temple. “No dogs,” says the High Priest. See Spot. See Spot proceed to lick himself, murder on his mind. See Dick suddenly find himself surrounded by a mass of the temple elite. At least three, but no more than twelve. See the High Priest with a very un-Santa-like twinkle in his eye. “Strip search him,” he commands. See Dick. See Dick becoming quickly aware of just how chilly stone floors can get. See the priests talking quietly amongst themselves, accompanied by much head shaking and shoulder shrugging. See the High Priest approach Dick and look him squarely in the eye. “Where is it?” He asks. “Where is what?” Replies Dick. Several gasps and much murmuring quickly ensue. “Where is your Shiny Yellow Thing?” Demands the High Priest, of a suddenly terrified Dick. “How can you presume to be a fair and just, if somewhat misunderstood ruler of men if you cannot produce your Shiny Yellow Thing? Every King has a Shiny Yellow Thing. Making exception perhaps for the late evil tyrant-king Choronzon, but he was only half a man.” “Umm, yes,” says Dick, grasping at anything, “about that, you see…seeing as that I slew him and all I should think my kingliness should be…” “Silence!!! Fool! Upstart! Unworthy of the throne! Cast into the night you shall be, and none who know thee shall know thee furthermore.” And with that, Dick is cast naked and shivering into the long dark night. “And take your filthy beast with you!” Shouts the High Priest, glaring from Spot to the alcove and back. “Arp!” Complains Spot, putting up a noble, if doomed, defense. See the night. See
the night grow longer. See the night grow
darker. See dick grow no less cold and naked
and clueless about this much touted Shiny Yellow Thing. Part 2 – Darkness See Spot. See Spot snap at Dick and let out a low growl. See Dick’s heart turn to lead as realization dawns upon him. “No” quoth Dick. “Can’t be.” See Spot growl again and slink off into the night, seeking someplace warm to wait while his master is in the temple, living it up, no doubt. Murder. See Dick wince as the first drop of rain hits his bare flesh. See dick groan and slink off into the night in search of some cover for his freezing form. See him groping blindly through the dark, from gutter to gutter, from alley to alley, until he finds some old damp sacking, smelling unpleasantly of onions and other things less savory, with which to wrap himself. Hear Dick squeal as he feels the many furry feet of spiders, stirred from their slumber, scurry across his tender skin. See Dick, now clothed in the lowliest rags, make his way through the wet and unwelcoming streets. See the townsfolk cringe and turn away in disgust at his passing. “Leper! Plague bringer!” They hissed at his sodden form. A shudder shakes dicks shoulders, to find himself reduced to this. “Curse them. Curse Spot. Curse their Shiny Yellow Thing.” Moans Dick despondently. See Dick. See Dick sigh in relief as he sees the torches at the palace gate. See Dick long for warmth and respite from the cruel night. See the gate guard. See the gate guard raise his spear. “Hold!” He bellows. “What business have you here?” “Sergio, it is I, your lord Dick. You must let me pass.” “Ha! A Jester is it? We have no need of your antics at this late hour. Most like you seek to fill your pockets with the wealth of this noble estate. Be gone with ye vermin, before you feel my blade!” See Dick driven, weeping, once more into the rain drenched streets. See Dick stumbling for hours, through the night, turned back from every aid he seeks. See Dick, finally, feet blistered from unaccustomed exertion, come to an open shed in which to take shelter. See Dick throw himself onto a pile of straw, wishing only that it all would go away. Beyond tears now, Dick hardens himself. “I must find this Shiny Yellow Thing. I must seek it out, wherever it may be.” See Dick. See Dick scream in pain, as on every side he is assaulted by the horned, hoofed beasts in whose barn he sought to shelter. See Dick, battered and bleeding, driven once more into the cold and the dark. See Dick seek a center of people within the town. See Dick accosting passersby on the streets. “You must help, “ pleads Dick. “I am looking for a Shiny Yellow Thing.” “Fah! Beggar! Filth! No coin for you. Make your way someplace else. We have no place for you here.” At every turn it is the same. None to offer aid in the night. See Dick’s leaden heart become strengthened by steel. “Fine. No rest for me. No solace from the rain. No help and no hope. Still I will go on.” For hour upon miserable hour, see Dick scouring the streets for this Shiny Yellow Thing. See Dick becoming no closer to acquiring this prize. See Dick becoming no more clued in about what it is that he seeks. “Everything they have taken from me,” whispers Dick to the darkness, “but they cannot take me from myself. I am still a man. I am still alive. I am still I. I am still Dick!” See Dick. See Dick squelching on blistered feet through the night, determination etched into the bones of his face. Aye, verily, even his teeth have a determined sparkle. See Dick. See Dick spy Spot off in the distance. “Ah, my truest friend, “ says Dick. “I shall try to win him back.” “Here boy. Phweet. Phweet. C’mon boy. Good Spot. Good doggy. Yesss…who’s a good boy…who’s a good boy…” See spot. See spot turn and bolt the other way. See spot not see. See spot not see the onrushing wagon. See spot get decapitated. See the townsfolk turn, aghast. See the townsfolk point at Dick. “Oh my God! He’s killed Spot!” “You Bastard!” See the townsfolk rush Dick, torches in hand. See them circle Dick and throw him to the ground. See them lay into Dick with shovels and rakes and other implements of destruction. “Lynch him!” They scream. “Quarter him!” They scream. “Crucify him!” They scream, which goes over very well, so it’s decided then. See the townsfolk. See the townsfolk arriving en mass, children in tow and six packs tucked away where the city guard won’t see them. See Dick dragged kicking and screaming to a grassy knoll. See how quickly a large wooden cross is produced on a Friday night in the dark ages when it’s always best to be prepared. Hear the resounding cheer go up, as Dick is nailed to the crossbeam. Hear the oohs and aahs as the cross is erected before the adoring fans. See Dick. See Dick hanging from the cross in the lashing wind and rain. “It could be worse,” thinks Dick. See the townsfolk pelting Dick with sharp stones, which is another jolly good lark on a Friday night. “Getting there,” thinks Dick. See the townsfolk drive torches into the earth beneath Dick’s feet. “Ah, well, there it is then, “ thinks Dick, and sinks into the haze of a thousand compound pains. Could this be then end of our hero? Wait and see. So deep into the long dark night, Dick hangs and suffers in his plight. A spectacle before the crowd, Who’s jeers and curses ring out loud. The torches burn beneath his feet, Blistered once by hardship, now by heat. The stones that strike, and rip, and rend, Add to his torment, without end. The winds that tear him on the cross, Increase the level of his loss. The rains flung screaming from the skies, Lash at his wounds and sting his eyes. And still, unyielding, without shame, Dick clings to life and to his name, “For all I am and could yet be, I can’t let them take me from me.” And so Dick grasps to what remains, A will to live that outweighs pain. A sense of self that will not die, Raises his visage to the sky. “If this shall be the end of me, I will not give in easily.” So Dick lets loose a mighty roar, Defying the gods to send him more. The scorch of fire, the strike of stone, He takes into his flesh and bone. The lashing wind and driving rain, All meld into a single pain. And this Dick takes, and makes his own, Placed back within, from where it’s grown. Then upon everything which his eyes fell, Dick took and made his own as well. And then Dick sinks within himself, Beyond all this is something else. Something vast, and yet so small, Rises up within him, conquering all. And rises still, beyond all measure, Enfolding Dick in perfect pleasure. And yea, it rises ever more, Touching at once the heavens, and Dick’s core. For a time that is no time at all, Dick is lost within this thrall. Then all that’s raised so high descends, And what it touches on the earth, it mends. The cross on which Dick was nearly dead, He sees within himself instead. A cross made of six equal parts, And centered on his heart of hearts. Six equal parts which then enfold, His heart within a cube of gold. And there stands Dick upon the knoll, On him a ray of sun does fall. Then with a sudden clarion ring, The golden light touches everything. And a beauty heretofore unseen, Lies within him, as within all of being Such beauty as to make one sing, Dick’s found his Shiny Yellow Thing. EpilogueSee Dick. See Dick in the dawning of a new day. The only day. The day of all things. See Dick return to the temple from which he had been cast. See the walls of the temple fall away as dick passes through its doors, though whether this is due to some divine presence, or the severely weakened state of the stonework, courtesy of much dramatic door bashing, is anybodies guess. See the sun strike upon the golden throne. See the flash of light across the circle graven in the back. A circle centered on a single point. See Dick seat himself upon the throne, before the Priests who recognize him not. See Priests prostrate themselves before him. For all can see. A king is come.
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